Will you write my term paper for me?

Every now and then, I get emails from students who want to interview me for a research paper. For some reason, they just make me feel snarky.

Here’s one that landed in my mailbox yesterday, in the form of a Facebook friend request. I’m going to change the student’s name, but the rest of the email is verbatim.

“Hi my name is Suzy Student and I am writing a paper for my psychology class. I would really like to interview you via email as my expert. The paper is concerning Tarot card readings, it will be just a quick ten questions and I’d be so grateful.”

I’m sorry, but that just set off all kinds of red flags.

1. I don’t know Suzy Student. I’ve never met her in real life, and she’s not one of my Facebook friends yet, either. She seems to have found me by doing a Facebook search on “tarot.”
2. There’s nothing inherently wrong with approaching people on Facebook. I’ve met and asked questions of strangers myself. But — and this is an important distinction — my Facebook profile is public. People can see that I’m a real person. They can see who I am, where I live, and what I do, both personally and professionally. Suzy Student’s Facebook is private, and she didn’t provide any information about herself. If she’s a student, is she in high school or college? Where does she go to school? In this day and age, you can’t just trust that people are who they say they are. Sorry, Suzy Student, but right out of the box you sound a little like a scammer.
3. Suzy says she’s writing a paper for a psychology class. Okay. What kind of psychology class? Psych 101, or abnormal psychology? The answer to that question is going to make a big difference in my response.
4. Let’s go one step further: What’s the subject of Suzy’s paper? What is her thesis? What’s her approach? Is she going to be respectful of tarot-card readers, or is she going to make fun of them? I’d want to know that before I jump into this project with her, too.
5. In fact, without knowing who I’m writing, or how my words will be used, I can’t be sure that my remarks really would become part of a student’s paper. They could become part of some fundamentalist’s anti-tarot website, or a mocking newspaper article. My written response could be twisted, distorted, or misrepresented. As a professional writer, I can’t just send information to a nebulous entity, and turn over control of my words to someone I don’t know or trust.
6. Well, let’s assume for a minute that Suzy really is a student, as she says. “I would really like to interview you by email,” Suzy writes, “as my expert.”  Gosh. I could be Suzy’s own personal, private expert? What an honor! Quick! Get me the phone so I can call my mom! She’ll be so proud of me!
7. Suzy also announces that she’s got “ten quick questions.” Ten questions? Ten? Are you kidding me? Assuming that I spend ten minutes composing a “quick” response to each question — which isn’t unreasonable, given that I’m usually pretty careful with my words — Suzy is asking me to give her at least an hour and forty minutes of my time. Yet she’s surprisingly dismissive of the time commitment that’s involved. It’s “just”  a few quick questions, after all — questions that probably took “just” five or ten minutes to compose.
8. Ten questions. You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that the answers to ten questions could probably make up the brunt of a fairly good-size paper — but Suzy Student wouldn’t be trying to get me to write a term paper for her, would she? No, the Suzy Student I know would never try to pull a stunt like that.
9. Happily, Suzy offers me a little something in return: she says she’d be “so grateful.” Well, if that doesn’t melt your heart, nothing will.

Sigh. Against my better judgment, I responded. I was a student once myself, after all, and I have daughters of my own who have to write papers for school, too. I decided to give Suzy Student a chance.

Hi Suzy! I’m working on a really tight deadline right now, but I have a suggestion: you could research the answers to your questions by looking through my books, and then I’d be happy to review your paper and add a personal quote or two.

I thought that sounded fair. I’ve written three readily available books on tarot, which should provide more than enough information to answer a student’s “ten quick questions” on the tarot. If Suzy Student wasn’t willing to look through my books before she interviews me, I wouldn’t feel sad about declining her request.

 

But Suzy Student wasn’t willing to look at my books. Here is her reply:

That would be great but unfortunately it has to be an interview.I already have the paper pretty much writtne I just need the interview to turn in with my notes.Plus I’ll need to throw in a quote from you.Perhaps I can email them to you and you could answer when you get a sec. I know you’re really busy and I would be eternally grateful.
1.How does a Tarot reading work?
2.I’m thinking of hosting a party and wanted to hire a tarot reader,what can I do at home to make the mood right?
3.Which spread is your fave and why?
that’s really it…I have the answers to the rest of my questions I just need some quotes from the answers to these 3 and I will be done. Thank you thank you thank you

Let’s analyze that response.

1. “Unfortunately,” Suzy writes, “it has to be an interview.” How is that “unfortunate?” And who says anything “has” to be an interview? Remember, I’m still not aware of what kind of class Suzy is taking, or what kind of paper Suzy is planning to write.
2. Suzy reports that she already has the paper “pretty much writtne.” Yeah, “writtne.” Already I regret not working closely with such a careful, conscientious scholar.  Well, if she’s got the paper “pretty much writtne,” why is she bothering me with a request for more information? Please. Her paper isn’t writtne yet. As a writer myself who regularly fends off editors at deadline time, I know that scam.
3. “I just need the interview to turn in with my notes,” Suzy writes. There’s a tip-off to Suzy’s grade level, I guess. High school senior? College freshman? When I was in ninth grade, I had to turn in my notes for a paper, but teachers are more demanding now.
4. “Plus I’ll need to throw in a quote from you.” Hmm. It seems to me I just offered to provide a quote … but not on Suzy’s terms.
5. “Perhaps,” Suzy suggests, “I can email them to you and you could answer when you get a sec.” Yes. I could do that, as soon as I have six thousand “secs” to spare.

Let’s look at the questions Suzy added to her reply, too:

1.How does a Tarot reading work?

I’ve written hundreds of pages — entire books — on that question. Should I cut and paste those texts into an email, or would it be okay to suggest that Suzy actually visit a library for the answer?

2.I’m thinking of hosting a party and wanted to hire a tarot reader,what can I do at home to make the mood right?

I think Suzy means, “If I were thinking of hosting a party and wanted to hire a tarot reader, what could I do at home to make the mood right?” So she’s not a grammarian. I can live with that.

In fact, her question itself is pretty good – but it would probably take me at least 30 minutes to compose a detailed response, and Suzy and I are already getting on each other’s nerves.

3.Which spread is your fave and why?

Which spread is my “fave?” I’m a middle-aged woman, not a teenager. I don’t know that I have any “faves.” If you rephrase the question, I suppose I could reveal my “favorite” spread … but now I’m just being picky.

I took a deep breath and tried to give Suzy Student the politest brush-off I could muster:

Those aren’t simple questions to answer, but if you send me a copy of your paper I’ll see what I can do. If you’re looking for something faster, I would suggest that you make an appointment with a tarot reader in your area, and ask the questions in person.

That just made Suzy angry:

I don’t need my paper reviewed my facts have already been verified.Yhank you for your time but I went with someone else on facebook who found my questions answerable.

In other words, yhanks, but no yhanks. Her facts have been verified. Her paper kicks ass! And boy, did she put me in my place by telling me that she found someone even better, someone else on the scholarly lowercase “facebook” who could answer her questions!

 

Because clearly, I’m not as smart as Suzy Student.